Recipe For Disaster
by Kitake Neru
Summary: We all know Hilda's cooking is legendary. But why?


A/N: Crack, in some ways. But I've read so many demon-and-human mangas that I just can't resist throwing them all in here.

Disclaimer: Beelzebub, Hell's Kitchen, Kuroshitsuji and Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro's characters belong to their respective creators.

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Hildegarde touched down on the polished marble floor of the patio just in time to hear the gleeful laugh of Dogma, the Earl of Poor Eating. Akbaba took flight in fright – no doubt the memory of the Earl trying to flambé it was still fresh in its mind. Unlike most of Hell's nobility who lived in grandeur, the Earl inhabited a modest country house right outside the magma lakes. Two screaming willows framed the gates, shrieking to anyone who passed by - which was why Hilda preferred to fly in. Ignoring the mixed smell of arsenic and tumeric in the air, she knocked on the door and waited.

Presently the door opened to reveal the Earl himself decked out in an apron. "Hilda!" He exclaimed joyfully and would have pulled her into a hug if he was presentable. "Come, come, I had just finished cooking!"

"It appears to be so," Hilda noted and presented him with a wrapped package. "These are the dried spices from the human world that you requested, Earl."

Dogma took it with delight. "Excellent! I do hope you don't mind that I have other guests today. You see I wasn't expecting you to come by today, not at all. How is the little prince?"

"He's fine and well, in fact he's teething. Do you have any of those hard biscuits that he likes?" Hilda followed him through the foyer into the kitchen, which (given the Earl's obsession with cooking) constituted of over half the building.

"Nnnooo, but I can cook up a batch and pass it to Alain Delon later. Hilda, have you met Brain-Eater Neuro?" the Earl gestured to a creature that much resembled a multi-colored parrot sitting at the table. His enormous beak was the focal point of his appearance, though after that one would marvel at his plumage; a brilliant play of black, purple and green that changed color depending on which way you looked at him. Hilda bowed politely; Neuro was one of Hell's finest scientists, though she thought him to be a tad insane. Afterall what's the use of creating the 777 Tools of Hell if only the creator knows how to use them?

"And aren't you going to introduce me?" A smooth voice made her jump and turn around quickly. A figure that passed for a human stood near the window and Hilda blinked a few times. Unless her eyes deceived her, this one is…

"Not human," Neuro said simply as if he had read Hilda's thoughts. "But he's been in human form for so long that it's almost second skin to him, eh Sebastian?"

"Sebastian's not his real name either," Dogma chuckled as he ladled the stew he had been working on into a tureen. "Actually he has been away for so long that none of us remembers what it is."

"Sebastian Michealis will do for now, at your service," Sebastian bowed elegantly to Hilda, who reciprocated with an automatic curtsey. "Hildegarde, Prince Kaiser de Emperana Beelzebub IV's nursemaid."

Neuro chortled and Dogma garnished the meal with a few sprinkles of powdered bone. "Dinner is served!" He set the tureen down with a flourish. "Do sit Hilda, I'll set another place for you."

"As tantalizing as it smells I'm afraid I'll have to decline, Earl," Hilda declined politely. "The young master is at school with his parent, so I have some time to myself but not much. I just came to pick up the croquette recipe that you promised me."

"Croquettes?" Neuro looked at Dogma, who had rushed off and returned with the recipe. "My finest croquette recipe!" Dogma declared happily. "No other recipe, human nor demonic can compare to it!"

"Certainly, I hope the Young Master's human parent will appreciate this. Everything I make doesn't seem to agree with his taste," Hilda's eyes glimmered with happiness. "I thank you," She smiled and bid everyone a good day.

Sebastian watched her leave with a thoughtful look on his face. "Dogma, what's so special about the croquette recipe you just gave Hilda?"

"Ohoho wouldn't you want to know?" Dogma grinned and took a sip of his food. His expression immediately screwed up. "Oops, need to put more arsenic. Will you pass me the bottle, Neuro?"

And Sebastian sighed as he started his own portion. Really, Hilda had chosen the wrong person to take cooking tips from.


End file.
